Friday, April 07, 2006
new tears welling up inside now..how shld i start? i oso dun noe..mind is in a mess..dun noe wat 2 tink either..its like everyting is comin back..frdship..rs..parents..responsibilities..haix..y do i always trap myself? when i can juz rebel n everyting is beta for me..?! cos deep inside i noe its not true..if i rebel..everyting will b worst..
start wif frdship ba..
i noe everytime since sec3 i've been neglecting my frdx..cos i dun dare or cos i meetin him.. haix..i hate myself leh..when i have 2 reject my frdx..but does any1 noe b4 sec3 i was a loner oso? sec1-2 ok still got frdx...but its not tt many is like i have onli 1 frd 2 talk wif..n b comfortable wif..p5-6 oso same ting..p1-5? i tot i had a best frd..but now i tink i was immature n didnt noe wat best frd is..end up tt frdship oso didnt last..ended when we went diff class..sure we exchange bday gifts..but well..its diff..den p4? i avoided some1 hu was my classmate in pap..cos she too sticky..den p5 diff class we oso spilt..haix..it was in sec3..i found a frd hu was e closest? but end up oso spilt though now we still frdx..but oso diff..sec4..close wif xiao wei jie..now..we oso rarely communicate..haix..i've always neglect is it y i dun have frdx? i dun noe..!! argh..!! im gg crazy.. everytime jie ask me go for outing i oso reject..cos im afraid 2 ask parents? stupid stupid me.!!
juz now jie ask me if i free tml evening..i asked y..i not sure..den she say u always not sure de..nvm den..forget it..those words sting man..i noe she put smiley at e end but..haix..den i called her lo..she asked me go jemin's party tml..lol..so good huh..i wonder my bday how..haix..oh well.. den i was like wanna go..but oso dun dare..i juz plucked up my courage n ask anyway wif jie on e line..den she a bit like suspectin..!! argh..!! i noe i lied b4..but den..haix..forget it..dun wish to type le..dun noe wat i typin oso..haix..
dun noe wat shold i get her man..how how how?! sianx..not close wif her..but den sec4 we were a group..!! n i reali miss hanging out wif them..so ya lo..haix..tml gonna take pic..!! hehe if can ba..hope almost whole gang go..hehe..
rs..well..its e same ting as parents ba..haix..so ya..dun wanna say le..
responsibilities?! haix..i noe im not a good daughter, sis or even frdx..im not even responsible enough lo..haix..i let every1 down..tt's wat i've always been doin anyway..lettin ppl down..haix..always hurting those close wif me..esp my mum ba..she cares..but i oso wan my freedom....!! do they noe how envy i m of my frdx?! mayb my dad noe..but still he wun help me wif my rs?! argh..!! i dun noe wat 2 tink or believe anymore..im tired..so so tired..
do they noe tt im hurtin deep inside..cryin for comfort?!
thinking of you @ 6:34 PM